Nothing unusually hard happened today. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just some days you come home and want to lie down in bed and just breathe or sleep or cry. It happens. It’s life. Today was one of those days. Except I took a pit stop and visited my mom. Well, not really my mom. My mom’s grave. Her grave is a strange place to me. I used to go there a lot after she passed and it made me feel better. Now, not so much. I used to take naps there-no not the healthiest thing or the safest, but I did it. Today I went just hoping to feel a piece of her to feel some sort of peace with me. And feel a little less lonely, To have her tell me “it’s going to be ok. Just Be still and know God is there.” I didn’t feel her. I never feel her there. It’s weird. I feel like I should. But I feel her in the most random of places at the most random of times. And it wasn’t today at her grave. And I knew I wouldn’t so why in the heck did I go. I have NO idea. But I did see a blue heron. That was cool. And I did get a random thought that tomorrow I need to take the kids for cherry limeades (yep, that was probably mom.). So then I just came home and laid down. I did what I knew she would tell me to do. Be still. Be still and know God is there. Being a single mom, it’s good. My kids are awesome. But it does get lonely without that partner to lay next to and talk to at night. It’s definitely a struggle and more so with the kids older and having their own lives. Before Leroy (I so love that name!) left for school he would come and just sit with me – not for long he had things to do. But I treasure those moments he came sit, even if he did get annoyed with me asking him too many questions. He learned to deal with it. I really want to text him almost continuously now. But I’m totally not! I have limited myself to 4 a day 😂😂. A good morning bc everyone away from family should wake up to a good morning text, a couple random to see what he is doing, and a good night text so he knows I’m still thinking of him every night. It is about time for the Good Night text. (Yes, I realize he is in college and probably not going to bed…but it’s my little between 9 and 10 ritual.)
I might get up and turn on the TV. But maybe not tonight. Tonight I think I need to listen to the bugs and the air and the planes….and just Be Still and Know to try to know my hardest that God is here and my momma is watching and tomorrow if I’m lucky, she is going to plant one massive piles of pennies some place or play some song on the radio that reminds me exactly of her. It’s the best when “don’t go breaking my heart” or “your nobody called today” or “I’m special” comes on. I sing like I’m a freaking super star! So, yeah, this was little bit was cuckoo and jumped to 21 thoughts plus 4. The girl’s aren’t home either. They are at their dad’s so it’s just me talking to the dog and the cat bc the boyfriend needed to go get his son who was needing his dad tonight. I told you I’m a little nutso. But only the best people are according to Alice 🙂