First blog post

Well. Here we go. My first blog post, which I am sure so cliche. But, nevertheless, here goes! My blog. My place to rant about my life-the good, the amazing, the insane, the change, the scary, the totally weird, and the crazy! I am a single momma of 3 kids-ages 19, 16, 13…..see the need for a blog yet? The 19 year old just left for college last week.  The 16 year old thinks she is an adult and why in the hell does she need to check in when I have a location app that tells me where she is, and well, the 13 year old, it’s usually just me and her. Me and her. She and I. 2 made of the same cloth. 2 people that like to control everything and get complete anxiety when we don’t. So, see the need for a a blog yet? Life….it’s fun it always changing. Is that good or bad? I haven’t yet figured that out. And my kids who we will call Leroy “Roy” (19), “Rory” (16), and “Ruthie” (13), they get to deal with me while I figure out this nest thing. People refer to it as empty nest when kids start to leave. Well, they start to leave, they start to get independent….it doesn’t get empty.  It’s gets even more full! More full in my crazy ass brain trying to deal with it all! So that’s my blog….my life with my kids, my life with my world. The changes that happen.  Oh yeah, and there is this grief I am still coping with-my mom passed suddenly 4 years ago. She was an integral part of my life and my kids’ lives.  She was my best friend.  So there is that. I am finding news ways every day to connect with her or maybe kind of find her wisdom in my every day life. And yeah, I said I was a single mom.  But I have a boyfriend of 10 years. Nope, we don’t live together. Nope, we aren’t married. But, yep, we have talked about it. It’s life. It’s cuckoo. It’s full. It’s fun. And, at times, it’s a disaster! So….meet me here every once in a while, would ya? Let’s chat about life. Or at least read about mine bc you never know, it may just seem a little bit like yours :).  (And the boyfriend is laying next to me and just growled. I’m pretty sure it’s bc the light of my phone is annoying him 😜)  Love hard bc this all ends. -Memphis Lucy June 

Mama said there’d be days like this…

Nothing unusually hard happened today.  Nothing out of the ordinary. Just some days you come home and want to lie down in bed and just breathe or sleep or cry. It happens. It’s life. Today was one of those days. Except I took a pit stop and visited my mom. Well, not really my mom. My mom’s grave. Her grave is a strange place to me. I used to go there a lot after she passed and it made me feel better. Now, not so much. I used to take naps there-no not the healthiest thing or the safest, but I did it. Today I went just hoping to feel a piece of her to feel some sort of peace with me. And feel a little less lonely, To have her tell me “it’s going to be ok.  Just Be still and know God is there.”  I didn’t feel her. I never feel her there. It’s weird. I feel like I should. But I feel her in the most random of places at the most random of times. And it wasn’t today at her grave. And I knew I wouldn’t so why in the heck did I go. I have NO idea. But I did see a blue heron. That was cool. And I did get a random thought that tomorrow I need to take the kids for cherry limeades (yep, that was probably mom.).  So then I just came home and laid down. I did what I knew she would tell me to do. Be still. Be still and know God is there. Being a single mom, it’s good. My kids are awesome. But it does get lonely without that partner to lay next to and talk to at night.  It’s definitely a struggle and more so with the kids older and having their own lives. Before Leroy (I so love that name!) left for school he would come and just sit with me – not for long he had things to do. But I treasure those moments he came sit, even if he did get annoyed with me asking him too many questions. He learned to deal with it. I really want to text him almost continuously now. But I’m totally not! I have limited myself to 4 a day 😂😂. A good morning bc everyone away from family should wake up to a good morning text, a couple random to see what he is doing, and a good night text so he knows I’m still thinking of him every night. It is about time for the Good Night text. (Yes, I realize he is in college and probably not going to bed…but it’s my little between 9 and 10 ritual.)  

I might get up and turn on the TV.  But maybe not tonight. Tonight I think I need to listen to the bugs and the air and the planes….and just Be Still and Know to try to know my hardest that God is here and my momma is watching and tomorrow if I’m lucky, she is going to plant one massive piles of pennies some place or play some song on the radio that reminds me exactly of her. It’s the best when “don’t go breaking my heart” or “your nobody called today” or “I’m special” comes on. I sing like I’m a freaking super star! So, yeah, this was little bit was cuckoo and jumped to 21 thoughts plus 4. The girl’s aren’t home either. They are at their dad’s so it’s just me talking to the dog and the cat bc the boyfriend needed to go get his son who was needing his dad tonight. I told you I’m a little nutso. But only the best people are according to Alice 🙂 

The abnormal Monday

Just a Monday…you know that day when the work week starts, the weekend ends and it mostly is just – suck!  Yeah, the 9-5 job wasn’t the greatest, but I do have some great colleagues that make the day just better when they are around.  But I also knew all day that Leroy was heading to record after his classes at ISU.  Record…my son records music. Now, not my favorite music, nor do I even understand some of his lyrics.  He loves to rap and is finding his own style of rap/singing.  And even though some of his music is a lil “racey” (Ok, so I used the word of a 70 year old woman, whatever).  It is his passion and I love it. I love that he has found his outlet to talk about things he is going through, things he is thinking, and is able to use creativity to find joy again after the grief of losing his grandma, who was not just my best friend, but his best friend and biggest fan also.  It is hard when a 15 year old loses that one person they told every thing to and it happened just the year before they start high school.  I know I made it even harder not being able to be the strong one for him.  By the grace of God, and I think a little bit of my momma’s coaching from sidelines, he has found his niche in music.  Anyway, he is home tonight.  I would love to say to see me.  But he is a teenager and his life is around his friends one of which he is going to visit tonight as he arrives home from Oregon.  This used to bother me until my therapist reminded me…..”they are teenagers.  If they still needed you as much as when they were young and still want to sit by your side, that would be reason to worry.  It is normal child development and they are right on target.  Their life is supposed to be friends right now” (or something close to that).  But Yippee, my kids avoid me and sit in their rooms face timing, social mediaing, watching netflix.  But they are normal!  And I did something right, yippee!! hahaha!  And now here comes the kicker…the whole reason for this blog tonight.  An even greater sign that Yippee, I did something right.  When Roy came in – we chatted a bit and then he went upstairs to Ruthie’s room (the 13 year old). Those 2 fight like cats and dogs.  I mean to the point that if I had to leave them home alone I told them to not go around each other bc I knew one would piss off the other one and all hell would break loose. And honestly, I am not sure which would win.  BUT! Tonight…tonight, Roy asked Ruthie how school was.  What her favorite classes were.  How she was doing.  Holy freaking crap! They had a real conversation.  I didn’t dare run up and hug them both like I really, really wanted to.  I just sat on the couch and listened with  my heart smiling.  Maybe this whole growing up thing/raising kids thing will work out after all.